HOW TO MAEK NU MTAEL HAERDKOWER BAND!!11111111
UM
HI IM SKIDJZU AND I LIEK ROCK MOOSIC!!111
Ahem.
Let
me begin.
The
recent mass of poser HEVEEE METLE!!111111111 bands that have guitarists
that know how to play nothing but TEH POWER CHORDSS!!11111111 and bands
that claim to be satanist and bands that think they're oh so dark and
cool and disturbed and have issues and bands that basically suck *coughLIMPBIZKITcough*
have compelled me to write this stupid article out of sheer boredom to
mock these bands and their HAERKEOR!1!1111! fans.
First,
we need a name for your new band. This shouldn't be too hard. Go get a
medical dictionary and choose a random term relating to anatomy
(placenta, mortiis, etc.). This is your band's name. Simple, no?
Let
us assume you are the vocalist of this HAERKSODR NUU MELAT BAND!!!11111.
You need to have a "dark poetic hardcore" look. Also, you need
to be able to yell or growl for an extended period of time. The basic
layout of most rock/metal bands is vocalist, guitarist, guitarist,
bassist, drummer. Or alternatively, vocalist + guitarist (requires skill
tho =( =( =( ), guitarist, bassist, drummer.
So
let's go snap up one or two guitarists for our HAEKRODEORK NU MELTLA
BAND!!!!!111111. You need someone who knows approximately 2 chords on an
electric guitar, and can slap it really hard. He should be big, and look
threatening and cold, and should have a few scars here and there.
Hopefully, he can repeat the power chords in crunching succession, and
look skilled (LOOK, not BE). If you like, you can have a band with masks,
like other HAERKDORE METAL BANDS!!!!!11111 like Slipknot. This is not
necessary, however. If you and your band members and ugly, go ahead.
Now,
we need a bassist.
This is basically the same as the guitarist. See above. However,
he should weigh a lot more. Next, we need a drummer. This drummer should
have good stamina (good for smacking the drums in no particular order)
and a shaved head. Once again, we need a menacing dark look, or a mask.
These guys are usually found in truck driver parking lots, smoking a
spliff in their SLIPOKNTO!!!111 t-shirts. He should enjoy physical
violence.
You
now have a decent lineup that should appeal to 11 year old HAERKODE BOYZ!111111
in hoodies. However, no band (even this one) is complete without any
songs. Go get a Slipknot album and a Korn album. It doesn't really
matter which one, since they all sound like a bundle of guitars and
noise. Play it, and after a few minutes, your guitarist should get the
knack of it. If not, you have the wrong person. Knock him out, and go
back to square one.
Now
that you have the grasp of the music, you need HAERKDOER LYRICS!11!1!111
These are fundamental, as your music is supposed to appeal to little 11
year olds who think they've got issues because their mom won't buy them
the Kerrang! 3 Album. The basic layout of a NYUU HAEORKDOE MTLEA!!!!1111
song is this:
Boy
meets girl.
Boy
loves girl.
Girl
dumps boy.
Boy
has issues.
Boy
hates girl.
Boy
shrieks.
Boy
wishes he could die.
I
have included a helpful NU MtAL!!1 lyric word list to work from.
whore
slut
haunted
eternal
disturbed
hate
hatred
abhor
despise
torture
hell
despair
odium
revultion
abhorrence
disgust
loved
abyss
chamber
And
so on. Here is an example of typical NU METLA!!!111 lyrics.
"I
hate you
I
despise you
I
abhor you
You
disgust me
Whore,
slut, bitch
I
shall remain haunted for all eternity
In
this hell, in despair
I
hate you
HATE!
HATE! HATE! YOUUUUUU!!!!!"
And
so on and so forth.
Use
the screamed chorus for the song title if possible. "Hate",
"Disgust", "Despair", "Haunted" are all
good titles for this HAEROKDRE NUU TMELA SONG!!!!111111.
Use
this formula to generate an album of around 10-15 songs, all around 2-4
mins long. Not too long, as these HAERDKOER METAL FANZ!!1111 get bored
easily by long songs. Publicise your album widely, and arrage a tour
around the UK. In no time, little 11 year olds will be wearing hoodies
with your band name on them, considering you a musical genius and
worshipping you.
Your band was spontaneously conveived to cash in on the pubescent
anxiety of aforementioned 11 year olds, and your popularity will last
about as long as their acne. The best you can hope for is that you will
get enough cash to get rich. Then, it doesn't matter what happens to
your music.
Author's
Note