The Guide to Writing Guides
This Guide is primarily for RBY
You will need -
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Thesaurus
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Damage Calculator
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Degree in Rocket Science (to proof read)
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Base Stat Values
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Boring analogy about what your grandmother had for breakfast last Tuesday
Attacks
Moveset Attack - Power: 550 - Accuracy: 0% - Guide Type
Where this attack crucially prevails over 'common sense' and 'remotely interesting' attacks is in what is dubbed the 'semi-professional' element. The Semi-Proffesional guide writer must never be tempted to step beyond the barriers surrounding all the excitement of a Metapod battle in every moveset. Keep the following ideal log in mind:
Branners used Double Team!
SkillletTree used Double Team!
Branners used Double Team!
SkillletTree used Double Team!
Branners used Recover!
SkillletTree used Recover!
With very rare exceptions (see: 'Ditto' and 'Magikarp'. As stated in the Normal guide, you must immediately copyright these as FishDitto and FishFish) the guide writer must deploy a pandora set piece, that is, for every Pokemon dictating the moves Substitute, Double Team, Rest and preferably a STAB attack. It is absolutely imperative that you do not explain what 'STAB' actually is, for that would fulfil the purpose of writing a guide and redirect spam from the relevant forum. REMEMBER! An ideal moveset is one you've have never tried out, is recognised as 'standard' and looks pretty on the damage calculator. Again on that second point I must point out that there is no need for experience when you've got a shiny damage calculator.
Thesaurus Attack - Power: 100 - Accuracy: 50% - Guide Type
The Thesaurus is a climacteric move for any Guide Type Pokemon. By facilitating the lucid Shift + F7 feature in Word, you too can become a topmost level Pokemon consultant without actually saying anything at all (for additional reference, see Jolty's topic on the morality of sharking revisited at Azure). I am doing this now. However, be most wary of words you know the meaning of - if you use these, any of the following tumultuous situations may develop:
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Someone else will know what you mean
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You will know what you mean
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The words will actually make sense
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Multiple people may begin to understand then consequently contradict, amend and add information in tsunamis - this is why whoever came up with synergy is still in hiding (note: Synergistically is a business term for a process which is progressive and self-improving in efficiency. Or just an efficient process. Connotations all wrong for Pokemon.)
Hate the reader, despise them. They must look up to you after perusing your guide as the one person in all Marble Palace that least knows what they are talking about and aspire to write a similarly non-informative guide. Make regular disdainful remarks about 'noobishness' to alienate your target audience. Buzz words like base stats are also useful here, however this is covered in the next attack. There is a 9.8% chance wide use of the thesaurus, and ancient Greek, will conciliate the readers inevitable confusion. Not effective against fan-fiction authors who actually know what all the words really mean.
Buzz Words Attack - Power: 80 - Accuracy: 90% - Guide Type
Some people actually get STAB in this. If your Pokemon is a dual type such as Azure/Heights, this is a stable move. Writing a guide using BW couldn’t be easier - a wizard is instantly created that merges your document (you will have to write the name of the guide and your own author name by yourself unfortunately) with a database of Dutch poetry and previous posts. This equally shares out the 'buzzes' in a ratio of 1/255. Below is an example of this and Thesaurus Attack working in unison.
'Determining Values are determined simply by unravelling the meaning which has blocked the status change by throwing up a sub during parafusion of the word 'values'. A ruler can be seen between the hexadecimal symbols of 1-15 introducing a (lol! WarEz rulez!) kaleidoscopic range in stats from the cradle to the grave. The fat cat sat on the mat.'
<rby>Base stats are a wonderful device - what conceivable use could they possibly have to the typical Pokemon player? Even the speed base's values for determining critical hit rate does not meet the range within 'typical'. Use them.</rby>
WARNING: Again, do not use buzz words that you actually understand. If you know them all, make some up.
Ambiguous Attack - Power: 20 - Accuracy: 100% - Guide Type
Basically says the same thing for each Pokemon without providing a conclusion at the end stating clearly which is best. Popular variants are writing an 8000 word essay and ending it with 'But depending on the situation…they're all equally good' which renders the reader's Reading The Guide Attack a total waste of time. Ambiguity works by covering all the points surrounding each Pokemon (see Darth David's Normal Guide) and using the same qualification for their effectiveness.
Inappropriate Connotation Attack - Power: 50 - Accuracy: 20% - Guide Type
The basic pillar that holds up the entire Pokemon Community. Here I will include only a brief note with example. Connotation is a meaning which is implied by a word. For instance, if I say 'climbed' that suggests exercise, ascension, height etc. Now let us observe this in action.
"And three Amnesias renders Snorlax a veritable god (1), marching through (2) any team with casual ease (3)"
I have used numbers to indicate points of note. 'god' suggests supreme being, a pinnacle, an ultimate, a ruler over everything. 'marching' suggests discipline and has military connotations. 'casual' suggests relaxed.
So then, we have a being which is supreme over everything, yet disciplined by something over him and relaxed in its discipline. This would be entirely different if it was a piece of prose, but where character development is replaced by the purpose of explanation it is a perfect Inappropriate Connotation Attack. In the next part of this guide we will go through Jolty's post on the morality of sharking revisited sentence by sentence to reveal the wonderfully humorous Inappropriate Connotation Attacks merged with Thesaurus and Buzz Word Attacks that allow him to use every word in the dictionary (consecutively from a-z) and yet say nothing at all.
Common Sense Attack - Power: 999 - Accuracy: 200% - Normal Type
NOT RECCOMENDED. Use Moveset Attack instead.
Universal Understanding Attack - Power: OHKO - Accuracy: 90% - Dark Type
Hard to pull off, not worth the effort, look elsewhere.
Equally Useful for Players at all Levels of Learning Attack - Power: 90 - Accuracy: 100% - Psychic Type
Pfft! Lamer!
Pokémon
Gold And Silver
This particular type of guide is a must for beginners. As nobody understands Gold and Silver to start with, writing a guide with the purpose of confusing people (This is 'professional') couldn't be simpler. More lucid. Make no referances to Red/Blue/Yellow whatsoever, explanations, examples or parallels. DO NOT MAKE A JOKE. IF YOU DO YOU WILL BE LAUGHED AT.
Red, Blue And Yellow
Include some mistakes for your friends to pick up on, like Hypno learning Psychic. When using this Pokemon in battle be sure not to include moves learned in Yellow, because that would fulfill one third of the purpose. Repeat the same thing three times for all versions. Refer forward to G/S if reader gets rid of their confusion ie 'critical hits are determined in r/b/y by the base speed of the Pokemon. However in g/s all the base stats are taken into account. Unlike r/b/y where the probability of critical hits is decided by the speed. The antithesis to this of course, is that - suprisingly - in G/S they are decided by a formula linking all the base values but contrary to this, in r/b/y they are calculated using the speed…'. Repeat until crisp-brown.
This concludes Part 1 of my Simpleton's Counsel For Caligriphying Counsel For Simpleton's (Guide for writing guides). Part 2 may refer to further Pokemon such as Darth David, branners, anyone who writes a guide in between or who I happen to read while browsing through my old PD backups…however, one point I would like to draw out now from part 2 to conclude this part - Do not use a Hitmonrich type Pokemon as your example because it is notoriously unreliable at confusing Reader-types and too easily countered with Understanding Attacks. In short, you do not want people knowing what you're talking about for fear of them telling you resulting in you also knowing and consequentially becoming unqualified for the business of writing guides. Any questions (correspondence may be edited for size and non-understanding in a later part) please send them to: thelongestemailaddresseverthatdoesntevenexist@knighthammer.fsnet.co.uk or talk to me on IRC. I use the name N-Man.
> THIS IS MEANT TO BE SARCASTIC! <